Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard

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why, hollywood, WHY?

Why does every... single... sword and sorcery movie have to suck?

It's bad enough that, even in the rare sword flick with decent fight choreography, EVERYBODY fights like the damned barbarians. (Remember in the opening scene of Gladiator, when Maximus forms up his legionnaires into a shield wall, bellows "HOLD THE LINE!" ... and as soon as the barbs hit them, they immediately, gleefully, disintegrate out of formation into a ridiculous brawl?) It's bad enough that the sorcery is almost always used as a pushbutton plot advancer, without any thought to rationale or consistency. And then there's the ludicrous "instant lifelong love" angle that so many of them share.

And now, for christ's sake, every single sword-and-sorcery movie they make has just got to include the leggy, slender, model-shaped female warrior - complete with flawless complexion, long immaculate fluffy hair, and brilliant white capped teeth - who has "never been beaten" by any man before. SIGH.

You wouldn't believe that a 5'9, 105 pound dude would be beating up every 230 pound heavyweight in sight, so why, why, why does it seem to be so magically acceptable to the vast majority of moviegoers everywhere for a 5'9, 105 pound girl - who's giving up a good 20 of those meager 105 pounds to tits and ass - to do the same?

It pisses me off when people cling to ridiculous stereotypes in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary, regardless of how "politically correct" the stereotype may be. Yes, women have been discriminated against to a ludicrous degree, and to some degree, still are. But magically pretending that everybody in the whole wide world are exactly alike is NOT a sensible response. As a matter of fact, it's every last bit as stubbornly eyes-screwed-shut stupid as the original discrimination.

People... are... different. And that's okay. The answer to problems of discrimination isn't to pretend everybody is exactly the same, it's to accept the differences and work with them.

But to return to me being a ranty bastard, here's some visual backup to what I've been saying. These, people, are what real female professional athletes actually look like:

This is IFBB bodybuilder Nathalie Abellan. Notice what she looks like? A DUDE. Okay, but the bodybuilder one was an easy mark, you say. Fine. Let's take a look at a female pro boxer.

Now, Bridgett "Babydoll" Riley is definitely a very pretty girl. But look past the pretty face here and look at her arms, her shoulders, her chest. Notice what she looks like...? That's right - again - A DUDE. Not a Hollywood actress/model. Of course, to be fair, in spite of being all pumped up for a photo shoot, she's sexy. She'd also get OBLITERATED trying to fight a pro male boxer in her own weight class.

Check "Babydoll" Riley out side by side with fellow Super Flyweight boxer Martin Castillo:


Now, realizing that at 115 pounds, these two are both exactly the same weight, take a good look at them - Martin is two inches taller (5'6" to her 5'4"), giving him a considerable reach advantage, and jesus christ look how cut up the dude is. When you fight in the midget classes, every single pound counts, and he shows it. Although they hit the same number on the scale, this guy has got at least 15 pounds of solid muscle on Bridgett. That already sounds - and is - pretty impressive, but it gets even worse when you stop to think that, at 115 pounds, that's thirteen percent of their entire body weight. Would you back "babydoll" Riley against this guy? (I'll fade you if you do.)

Of course it gets even worse when you stop to consider the fact that it's hard to find guys that little to begin with. Given that we're talking about the general idea of pitting one woman against all male comers in direct physical combat, let's - regretfully - put foxy little Babydoll Riley behind us and look at somebody with some size on her. We'll go ahead and jump straight to the side-by-side here, and look at middleweights Gina "Boom Boom" Guidi (former IFBA Middleweight World Champion) and Felix Sturm.


At 160 pounds, we're at least starting to get into a weight class that could theoretically take on a heavyweight for a magic "spunky little hero with heart saves the day" kind of moment. But even as low as middleweight class, we're already pretty severely beyond "omg that chick is smoking Hollywood hot!" territory - and while Gina certainly doesn't look like anybody's creampuff, she also doesn't look anything faintly like a match for Felix Sturm, there. And folks, he's only a middleweight. You go up another four classes and forty-one pounds before you can barely manage to squeak in as a heavyweight. And you'd think one of those magic female warriors who'd "never been beaten before OMG!" would have squared off against quite a few heavies, wouldn't you?

OK, seriously, I'll stop. But just as seriously, Hollywood, sci-fi writers, fantasy writers, general public: STOP ALREADY with the "super hot model babe is the fiercest warrior around" crap. It's just fucking ridiculous.

Tags: rant

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