Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard

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I Am Shitty Movie

So, I saw the new Will Smith flick I Am Legend with Nate and Kristen tonight.

Suckity suck suck suck. Nate and Kristen liked it okay, but they're WAY better at toggling the "suspension of disbelief" switch than I am. I learned the following things over the course of the two hours I was stuck in I Am Legend:

  • Although it takes decades for grass to really make an inroad on an untended sidewalk in the yard, all kinds of rank growth will sprout up through the roads of downtown Long Island within three years.
  • enough rank growth to support several HUGE herds (100+ per herd) of whitetail deer. which are also there in three years.
  • and prides of lions to feed on them. (not mountain lions - LIONS.)
  • and they will be able to outrun a Shelby GT Mustang. Floored. On a paved straightaway. For several blocks.
  • the "Rage" virus from 28 Days Later apparently is fair game to put in your own crappy movie.
  • the "Rage" virus might have already been an unwieldy concept, but it's even harder to swallow as an "accident" than it was as a specifically, deliberately tailored bioweapon.
  • using really shitty CGI for all your "Rage" victims also doesn't help you suspend your disbelief of how silly it is.
  • you can choke out a rabid full-grown German shepherd with your forearm practically effortlessly. with your eyes closed. you don't even need to adjust your grip or anything.
  • Will Smith is so fucking stupid, the VERY DAY AFTER he traps a dude with a noose trap powered by a falling car, when he steps in a noose trap, hears the sound of cable going zzzzzzzzz, looks to his side, and sees a car falling... he will stand there for a good three seconds just sort of watching it go. And be surprised when his foot goes up in the air.
  • noose traps don't actually need anything to trigger them. if you just sort of have a loop of cable on the ground, and tie it to a car somewhere, as soon as somebody conveniently puts their foot dead in the middle of the noose trap the car will fall and hoist them up.
  • vaccines work great on people who already have full-blown viral infections.
  • blood serum (and by "serum", I mean "some blood that just came out of some bitch's arm and straight into the tube") is okay in an unrefrigerated test tube for days on end.
  • human flesh and bone is strong enough to shatter building joists and tear giant holes through roofs, walls, and even fire safes.
  • grenades only work if you hold on to them.
  • an M16 on full auto fires about one and a half rounds per second.
  • you can just sort of point an M16 in the general direction of a store mannequin 150 feet away without making any attempt to sight down it at all, and if you hold the trigger down for four seconds you'll put six rounds in its chest.
  • you can ask Will Smith to do "cocky", or "pissed", or "sad", but if you need somebody to sell "crazy" in any kind of convincing way, cross him off your casting director's list.

Another thing that really pissed me off that doesn't fit well into a bulleted list: Will Smith is all super soldier/scientist (yeah. that. don't get me started) and he's all determined to go all sciency on this Rage virus thing that, you know, you can't call the Rage virus 'cause that was 28 Days Later (shit dude we TOLD you not to call it that, now we're gonna have to re-shoot this scene!). And he's keeping, you know, a nice science-y log, complete with video as well as notes, where he gives dispassionate science-y observations about stuff. And he makes this huge point of dictating how the victims of the Rage virus have "completely socially de-evolved; subjects show no remaining human behavior whatsoever". Despite this, when THE VERY NEXT DAY one of the Rage zombies subjects SETS A FUCKING NOOSE TRAP for him and SETS HUNTING DOGS AFTER HIM, he never says word one about this, or seems to find it odd in any way. He continues to not find this odd, even when the same guy LEADS A PERSONAL ARMY after him.

If you're really, really uncritical about movies and thoroughly capable of ignoring inconsistencies and idiocies as "part of the movie-going experience", you might like this movie. Otherwise... do yourself a favor and pass. 28 Days Later (Lite) is a turkey.

Tags: movie

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