• Mood: introspective
• Music: Teddybears STHLM ft Neneh Cherry - Yours To Keep

is it can be relationship time nao?

So, LOLcatspeak aside, I'm seeing somebody now. (Hi Janis!) "Tumultuous" and "tempestuous" are words that come to mind; also maybe a little bit scary (I'd use "terrifying" for the alliterative value, but it's far too strong for the actual description).

This morning, we had a really long talk about relationshippy/life-y stuff; or possibly two medium-to-long talks separated by an intermission in which a chainsaw was to be fetched, but was not fetched due to the entrance from the wings of a person who is bound and determined to do the charger-on-a-white-horse thing for the person who originally needed the chainsaw. Unrequited love and powersaws; what else goes as well together?

But anyway, yeah, so we had this long talk. Or two. And I think it (they?) was (were?) good. I definitely feel better than I did before them, at any rate. There is of course the observation that long scary Talks are a little unusual for people who have literally only known each other for a little over a week... but, y'know, honestly that kind of fits me anyway. I am not a fan of people who don't know what they want (or refuse to let significant people IN on what they want), and I am also definitely over the whole "let's just kill time pleasantly for a while" thing. You certainly don't need to - and shouldn't - start Deciding Your Future within the first few dates, but honestly, isn't it a good thing to at least be thinking about it? Even then?

Especially once you've hit your thirties. The time for aimless dicking around, really, is over.

Of course, probably one of my bigger difficulites in earlier relationships is that during the time that I should have been aimlessly dicking around, I was already trying to find the one relationship to rule them all, the one relationship to bind them forever, so I tried to find it with people I really never should have. So, it's still a little scary. But then, at this point in my life, my biggest fear really isn't so much "leaping into the wrong relationship" as "staying in a relationship that isn't horrible, but isn't destined to make it". Exactly what I seem to have always done, in other words. I don't want to "just kill time pleasantly", but I especially don't want to go through another cycle of one or two or three years of relationship followed by breakup followed by another year getting my head back together and then be back to square one again. I don't want a relationship "to learn more about myself" and then start over, I want a relationship that will stick, and last, and can be built on. Learning more about myself is fine and dandy, but "hey, you burned another couple of years pointlessly" isn't something I want to learn.

So, here I find myself, discussing pretty serious relationshippy stuff with a girl I've only known for a week or so. Weighing the balance between "that's good, we're both the kind of person who discusses that stuff, even in the early stages!" and "oh shit, am I jumping too far, too fast?" I am definitely inclined more toward the former than the latter. But still, sometimes getting (the beginnings of) what you want can be scary.