April 4th, 2003

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02:07 pm - Because it's all about the Scientific Method, baby
The Asshole Theory

Females, by and large, simply do not see males who don't treat them as inferiors as sexual beings.

Experimental phase:
Begin with a female with whom you have had one of those irritating "we're just friends" relationships since day one - complete with frustrating long LONG hugs, constant stories about the last guy that shit on them, complaints of "why can't I find a man like YOU?" in spite of the fact that she smilingly shuts down any passes YOU actually make, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. For preference, pick one whose shit you have gotten thoroughly sick of already, to the point that it's gotten really hard to bite back savagely caustic remarks.

Quit biting it back - when you feel the caustic remark coming on that's just too mean to say, LET IT OUT. Bring teh funnay - and not in a nice way. Treat her with amused, tolerant contempt. Important note: NO BITTERNESS ALLOWED - you're being contemptuous, not spurned. Continue to pay her attention, but don't hesitate to bag on her hardcore, and show no sign that her opinions or feelings really matter much.

Continue for approximately six weeks.

Conclusion phase:
Evaluate the results of your experiment. Is the subject more attracted to you, less attracted to you, or about the same? Formulate your conclusions - if they validate your hypothesis, you now have a theory.

hotcrab: have you put this in to practice?
jimbojones: let's just say it's definitely a theory, not just a hypothesis
jimbojones: there was this chick Lorie that I was friends-with-mad-chemistry with for years that eventually I got so tired of her shit that I did that as a conscious experiment
jimbojones: but by then even when she'd start getting interested I knew her too well to really want it
jimbojones: it was funny, she was like a fucking Pavlov dog
jimbojones: I actually performed that experiment on her like three separate times
jimbojones: you could practically GRAPH her changing sexual interest levels
hotcrab: hahahahahahaahahah
hotcrab: nice

Important Note Concerning The Asshole Theory:
Any given female, upon hearing of the Asshole Theory or any experiment used to test it, may or may not agree that it would work on most women in general. She WILL, however, promptly and unbiddenly declare "that would never work on me." This declaration has absolutely no bearing on whether she is, in fact, one of those women who would not respond to the experiment - it simply demonstrates that she is female.

This is such a reliable response that you could probably sex kittens this way - just listen for the outraged "miaou!"

Addendum for Ladder Theorists:
Think of the Asshole Experiment as an experimental alternate method of ladder-jumping.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Tupac Shakur - Do For Love

(24 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture] From: jette
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 11:52 am
Hahaha, this reminds me a craigslist post I made last week.


The only reason that acting like an asshole seems to work is not that women dig the mistreatment, it's that they are intrigued by the confidence. Chicks can smell fear, you know.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 12:03 pm
While there's an element of truth to "nice guy" equating to "she has a good personality", there's definitely more to it than that.

I have noticed that most women tend simply not to sleep with men who don't ALREADY turn them on, whereas men will often sleep with women whose appearance and personality are acceptable, and simply trust the "turning on" part to happen once things start getting jiggy, so to speak. My personal hypothesis is that without some assholish behavior, the "hey, that's a sexual being" switch just doesn't get flipped in the typical female psyche, no matter how much she LIKES you, or even finds you good-looking.

I haven't figured out a way to test that hypothesis conclusively, though, so for now the Asshole Theory stands as it is - proven empirically in and of itself, with root causes hyptohesized but untested.

[User Picture] From: hotcrab
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 01:07 pm
you rule, jette

[User Picture] From: herbaliser
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 01:51 pm
Didn't I write about this too?

[User Picture] From: tawnyleona
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 01:22 pm
It's very similar to something I've seen in men.

Men always say, "I hate women who play games."

But the minute you are up front and honest with a man, it scares him so badly that he runs nervously away. If you ask for an explanation, he will tell you, "This is just a little fast for me" or "you're too forward!" or some similar response that really has no revelance to the way you were acting.

The bottom line is that no one really knows what they want, and will never admit to being attracted to what they profess to despise.

[User Picture] From: zeldappa
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 03:22 pm

now taking applications for "cuddle bitch"

I must confess: I love me some assholes. I like to know that I can count on them to do the breaking up when I don't have the guts to end things. It keeps me from having to really fall in love and/or make life-changing decisions.

/end glib comment

[User Picture] From: bubblerella
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 04:55 pm
I remember us talking about the Ladder Theory one nite a while back and I have been thinking about it some.

Anyways.. I think I you are right. but as soon as I a determined to like an asshole I end up with some Nice Guy and god is he WAY NICE.. hell my mother likes him. Always be afraid when you mother likes someone.. I mean REALLY LIKES them and can talk to them on the phone more than you (Of course they are both computer geeks .. hehe)

I think the truth is Jessie is right.. nobody ever really know what the hell they want.

Actually I do know what I want... I want to marry some really Old Rich GAZILLIONERE guy who is going to kick the bucket and leave me all his loot. Yeah that is what I want.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 04:58 pm
Good luck with that, Anna Nicole.

[User Picture] From: bubblerella
Date: April 5th, 2003 - 08:00 am
Really.. and then I can't get fat and have my own TV show.. woohoo!

Were as now I am getting fat and NO TV show.. Booooooooo!

[User Picture] From: vyacheslav
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 06:02 pm
Fucking. Great.

[User Picture] From: daleth
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 07:56 pm
Wow, the Ladder Theory is verging on perfect. Now I know how to get laid.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 08:25 pm

Try here.

[User Picture] From: daleth
Date: April 4th, 2003 - 08:36 pm


All hail the overlord!

From: (Anonymous)
Date: April 10th, 2003 - 09:44 pm

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 05:49 pm

'nice guy syndrome'

ok, you hit a cord with me. I know aaaaalllll about this one! I had to laugh when 'chica' said exactly what you said women will say. Ok, here goes: the 'nice guys' tend to whine about the chicks that are their friends who are looking for nice guys and date assholse. I've known some of these nice guys. Personally, I like nice guys, but the type of nice guy that is confused how us women pass them all by have another issue that makes them consequently unattractive....they're BORING. That's right! I said it! B-O-R-I-N-G!!! Yes, so boring and sexually un-dynamic, they've got 'let's be friends' written all over them!!! Then there is the nice guys that's so nice that he seems timid. Guess what? Some of us like men who are nice, but we do want MEN. Yes, we can smell fear.

More compelling on an initial analysis of hmm-would-I-fuck-this-guy which is the underlying chemistry that will give us incentive and spark *interest* (whether or not we're a fuck him tongiht or wait for several weeks/months kind of girl), is confidence, personality, sense of humor, sexiness. There has to be some base attraction for pursuit to happen, regardless of how 'nice' he is. A guy can be nice 10 ways from Sunday, but if you think you have to tie him down and make him watch porns with you so he knows it's ok to GRAB YOUR BREAST or if you think you have to ask him out and make all the moves, most women will get bored quick. Let him be confident, let him be sexy.

Unfortunately, usually those guys have "Asshole" written all over them.

I do believe that most women will fall for this 'trick'. I may or may not depending on the reason I had for initially rejecting the guy. If I like someone and wanted to get to know them, then on the 2nd date they said they love me and clung to me like a leech...I'm running for the Border! If I like someone initially then get the *wimp* vibe, nice or not, he's out the door! If I were on the fence waiting to see if he would make me want a relationship or friends-only and he gets whiny or wimpy, or desparate or afraid, no dice. If he acts confident, and yes, a little aloof, making it seem like he doesn't cling to whever will go near him, but spends time, to me he seems more independent and we can 'get to know' each other.

I think what gets most women is fun. Lots of party guys are lots of fun and they'll go through shitty times for the passion and excitement. I'm a little too practical for my own good. I don't like guys who are assholes or boring, so I just date much less frequently, and dance with the assholes on the weekends.

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 05:59 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome'

And then of course there are ditzes who don't have a care about real qualities in a man, or their friends, even themselves for that matter...

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 06:21 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome'

I had to laugh when 'chica' said exactly what you said women will say.
::grins:: I was honestly a little surprised it took that long for somebody to do that.

if you think you have to tie him down and make him watch porns with you so he knows it's ok to GRAB YOUR BREAST
I know what you're getting at - and I'm not really disagreeing - but keep in mind that guys these days are subjected to a never-ending barrage of sexual harassment this and that and the other about HOW HORRIBLE IT WAS THIS ONE GUY JUST GRABBED ME OMG in everything from TV shows to movies to news stories to seminars on-the-job. It's a risk to grab a breast whose owner hasn't really given you some pretty clear signals first, when the prevailing atmosphere is such that even asking someone OUT can be perceived as "harassment".

I'm a little too practical for my own good. I don't like guys who are assholes or boring, so I just date much less frequently, and dance with the assholes on the weekends.
::chuckles:: I tend to do the same thing from the opposite perspective - I date much less frequently, and occasionally go into "asshole mode" just to get a little action. But I won't do that to girls I actually LIKE - for any number of reasons - so that makes for a pretty ephemeral sort of thing for any number of reasons.

I think if a girl actually observes me with any real interest, she can tell that I'm masculine and can be forceful and/or aggressive without the need for some baboon-like show of dominance on my part. And basically, if I'm going to take her seriously, I want her to be interested enough in me (and observant enough) - to do exactly that... and to be the sort of person who wants someone who isn't going to be constantly doing the baboon act.

Maybe one of these days that'll work out for me. In the meantime, life's not bad. =)

[User Picture] From: herbaliser
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 06:35 pm
"mostly harmless"

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 06:41 pm
I hate you, Milkman Laural.

[User Picture] From: discogravy
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 06:56 pm
reading this witty banter, i have come to a conclusion: you two are going to make great parents.

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 07:52 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome'

tee hee you funny. Wouldn't you know I went out to go dancing just now and the club that is nearby is not open!!! Waaaaaaahhh *throws fit*

As for the sexual harrassment thing, I can understand that making you gunshy, so I suppose the people best at reading other people will best judge those situations and how far they can go (and even so could get in trouble)...if a guy is bad unsure in judging those situation, then just keep it outside of work and if a girl freaks out that you touched her breast (and is more alarmed that her nipple got hard as a result), the BFD, you're outside of work. You can back of and no big. Ok, it might be embarrassing, but hey the risk of rejection is part of the fun manliness of making a move, right? (heh heh it sucks to be a guy at this point) :P

As for the rest, I guess the end-all and be-all of this is that sure, it would be nice to slowly 'get to know' someone and be all mature and shi-at, develop relationships that are compatible, however, in this fast-paced society, going slow is not forced on us like in the 50's (unfortunately?), quite the opposite in fact. And in this animalistic way of hooking up, the first attraction will be the driving point, and confidence is pure energy fermones, baby! This does not always mean true confidence - in fact, often means something else, but perception has bearing and appearance of confidence even to the point of arrogance somehow has its allure, even to me. (I resist it for my own good.) =) Usually. Until the people you're talking to mature and somehow loose the urge to jump in the sack before getting to know you, then you being real will not be the best pick up line, I can see that.

I would be curious to take this offline, go into detail w/you. I'm curious what 'asshole mode' is exactly in your terms. I'm thinking the attitude may attract, but doing really shitty things would not help you get the action.

I think the same thing, that one day it will work out not doing the act but having someone get to know me proper-like. That's the more mature way to start a relationship but would work much less because how many people are really a great match for each other? Having lower standards like not caring of someone appreciates you and not caring if they have a brain for example gets you a lot more play. When I want 'action', I can go dancing, but leave them at the club to not bug me later :D Yup, one day it will work out for me too...(as I grow old and accumulate cats...)

Still, I wouldn't mind seeing your baboon act. In fact, it would turn me on if you went absolutely cave man on me. Go on...go primal. Let's see it. *offers long hair with which to be dragged*

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 07:53 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome'

boy that was long. I just spouted brain babble, didn't even read back through to see if it was linear. I think from now on, I'll shorten my replys to 500-word essays.

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 08:51 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome' (am I done talking yet?)

Ooh Ooh! I just thought of another dynamic to this subject (under 500 words, I promise!) It's more likely for a girl to give 'play' to an asshole if she's not serious than a nice guy because if she just wants to play around, the nice guy could get emotional and hurt whereas she doesn't have to consider the asshole's feelings because well, he's an asshole. He most likely doesn't care anyway.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 11th, 2003 - 08:58 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome'

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 12th, 2003 - 02:41 pm

Re: 'nice guy syndrome'

hee funny monkey

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