Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard

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Warning: Depressing Stuff Ahead

I think I'm having a... 1/3 life crisis? Fuck, I don't know. I'm not old enough to have a midlife crisis yet, and it doesn't really bear the same markings, so I'm going to call it something different.

A part of me - a very big part of me - doesn't want to post this at all. It's a big chunk of internal anguish; worse yet, an admission of... uncoolness? Basic life-type incompetence? There's probably no single word, or phrase, to describe it satisfactorily enough. More generically put, it's a block of that sort of indefinable something that, no matter what it is, you don't tell people about. Your own little inner demon, your Achilles' heel, that which you shelter deep inside so that nobody else can see.

Which is probably a bit too melodramatic for the not-so-striking revelation that, basically, I'm a freakin' misfit. For the life of me, I simply can not figure out how to "fit in", completely, to the society around me... and I don't know what the fuck to do about it. It's easy to hide this from myself most of the time, because after all I am adept enough at fitting in in small doses. I'm articulate, dynamic, and manage to exude something that makes animals and children and most people trust me instinctively... in short, I can connect with people. Hell, I even have a job focused specifically on doing just that - connecting with people - and I'm damned good at it.

But those connections are limited, confining. I make them by finding the small part of me that's necessary for the communication at hand, and stripping myself down to the essentials for that tiny interaction, so that people can understand the things they need to without needing to understand the rest. It's not like pretending I'm someone I'm not... more like pretending that a very limited subset of me is all that I am, for long enough to make whatever connection needs to be made.

So how's this fit into my melodramatic little "1/3-life crisis?" Well, I have all these different groups of people in my life - different ages, and maturity levels, and lifestyles - and I can't quite identify with any of them.

The late teens and early twenties are out having carefree fun, in large part, and hoping vaguely that things will line up eventually... or, in some cases, that they'll magically stay carefree forever. (You won't, dears. Trust me on this one.) I can identify to the degree that I've been there and done that, but... shit, that was a stage I was looking to break free of when I was in it. I long for stability, not perpetual chaos - no matter how much fun that chaos may be at any given moment, it wouldn't be called "chaos" if it didn't have the potential for becoming something else... numbers games don't favor time, and even if you found the fountain of youth, there still would be time.

And then there are the people in their late twenties and early thirties. Some of them are desperately trying to hang onto the mindset from the last group, and that very desperation becomes more and more obvious the longer they cling... there's nothing wrong with hanging with the younger crowd, but trying to live the same life that they are when you're ten years older, well... it just doesn't fly. Eventually, it's destined to lead to an existence as either the pathetic hanger-on that the kinder young'uns tolerate smilingly and the more vicious ones openly mock, or the predator-upon-youth that everyone's parents try to figure out how to protect their children from - and often enough, both roles become wrapped around the same deluded wanna-be Puck.

Others have gotten married, and perhaps had a kid or two... and what's come with it? All too often, a burning resentfulness of one another; a neverending limited-scale War Of The Roses in which all it takes is the token beer or fruity umbrella drink while out on the town to bring out the smoldering discontent that's buried shallowly beneath the surface. Suddenly, everyone around them must try to ignore the little slights toward one another, and half-hearted passes at someone - anyone - else... maybe in sight of each other, maybe not; maybe for escape, maybe to provoke jealousy, maybe just to do something, god, anything, to Make Things Different somehow.

Perhaps rarest of all, there are the lone wolves. They're too smart - or, to be more technically accurate, wise - to try to stay young, but they're equally unwilling to put themselves through the War Of The Roses hell they've seen around them. They progress through life along their own path, not pretending they're something which they aren't, but at the same time making few real allies. Generally, they're ferociously competent, but know no real inner peace... however much they strive to make it otherwise, life holds no real security for them no matter how they surround themselves with wealth and/or sexual dalliances, because they know all too well that there is never a time in which to let down their guard and be at peace - whatever security they have wrought is there solely through their own effort, and they are all too aware that they have nothing and no one which is both capable of and willing to protect them for any real measure of downtime.

So where the hell does this leave me? I guess I qualify right now for the "lone wolf" category, but it's not where I want to be any more than I wanted to be in any of the others. What I really want to do is find and marry someone else who'd otherwise fit in that category... to have someone whom I can trust both in intention and in capability to "get my back" when I need to let my guard down, and for whom I can do the same. But how the hell do I find that person? Most people - no matter which of the above categories they fit in - seem to do so by starting out skeezing, then occasionally finding what started out as calloused, emotionless sex inexplicably becoming something more... and then they either run like hell, or attempt to get over the barrier of mistrust caused by the mutual knowledge that each are perfectly capable of using people with little regard for anything but scratching a personal itch.

I simply cannot do that. I just fucking can't. I can't even make myself try to emulate it with any real diligence - if the only real reason I have to talk to somebody is because she looks, physically, like somebody I'd like to fuck, I can't even bring myself to approach her. I need more. But if you're not in college, how the hell do you get to know people other than by randomly trying to fuck them?

There's always work... and it's been where an awful lot of my relationships have come from. It's also a tremendously bad idea. As for "church", well... suffice it to say that I find Christianity disgusting enough without trying to use it as a tool with which to get laid. What's left? Probably something, but... damn if I know what. ::sighs::

So... here I am. About to turn 30. Living in a beautiful house. With all the toys I ever really wanted. With more income even than I expected to grow into when I was a child - and back then, I thought the career side of life would turn out to be a lot easier than it really did. But without people who you can connect to with the full version of yourself, what good is it? What good is standing at the top of a hill, without someone's back to press against yours? How can you possibly feel "successful" if you're an evolutionary dead-end?

Those are the questions I don't have any answer for... that's my life, and the crisis that currently goes with it.

Thanks for listening.


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