April 21st, 2003

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11:45 pm - The Rules
I'd actually been meaning to post my own version of The Rules for Dating for a few days now, even before hotcrab said he WANTED people to post their own and make it a meme. But, yanno, I was... busy. Ahem.

Prefatory note: if you don't understand both Ladder Theory and Asshole Theory, you're probably going to be at a loss for some of this.

Anyway, thinking about this stuff made me realize that there were separate rules for Booty and for Dating, and that, in fact, I - and most men - have two ladders, not one: the Booty Ladder, and the Dating Ladder.

The Dating Rules

  1. You must be reasonably attractive. You don't have to be any particular "type" (voluptuous/skinny/athletic/etc), but you do at a bare minimum need to be girl-shaped.
  2. You must be interesting to talk to. This means you need to be able to carry on extended conversations about things OTHER than your or my sexual history and/or the random gossip of the day. (Those are certainly valid topics, but they shouldn't be EXCLUSIVE.)
  3. You must be self-confident enough to accept compliments, be okay with disagreeing with me about things, and enjoy arguing companionably about the things we don't agree on.
  4. You must, must, MUST not be flaky - if you say you're going to do something, you need to either do it or call me ahead of time, as soon as possible, without prompting, to let me know that you're not. Failures on this count will exile you to the Booty Ladder, and will do so FAST.
  5. You must, must, MUST be reasonably sane. No suicide attempts. Occasional crying jags for no reason are allowed, but ONLY if you are firmly aware that they are for no reason, and can actually operate on that basis reasonably well.
  6. You must, must, MUST be perfectly okay with the fact that I specifically disbelieve Yahweh as described in any of the religions centered upon him. (Serious bonus points if your first response to that statement was "oooh, then he gets +5 to his save vs illusion," but this is not an absolute requirement.) You must feel no need to change my mind on the topic of Yahweh's existence and/or publicly/secretly mourn that I shall forever burn in hell for it. You must also be okay with the fact that I casually fail to Believe in ANY particular deity / deities / omnibenevolent spiritual thingamabob. Wanting to discuss these things is acceptable, if you're eloquent. Wanting to convince me that I am evil if I don't believe what you do is not. Neither is wanting to convince me that I'm wrong on any purely a priori basis.
  7. You must be over any given ex-boyfriend. This precludes daily posts in online journals about how you were supposed to be forever, how much you miss him, or even how much you hate him. Exceptions may be considered on a case-by-case basis if up-front statements of the "I've got to warn you, I'm not totally over Guy X yet" nature are made preemptively.
  8. You must be genuinely interested in me and willing to show it. If you don't like to initiate date-plans/phone-calls/hugs/kisses/sex approximately as often as they're initiated towards you, you're headed for exile to the Booty Ladder FAST.
  9. You. Must. Be. Honest. Enough said.
  10. You must be able to recognize me as sexually interesting without the need for me to resort to Asshole Theory to get your sexual attention.
  11. There must be no immediately obvious reason why Forever wouldn't work. This isn't to say that you're looking for forever, or that I'm looking for forever... just that, if the topic were to come up, impartial observers wouldn't begin laughing hysterically.
  12. Failures on any of the above counts will move you to the Booty Ladder or to Limbo as appropriate.

which brings us to the simpler side of life...

The Booty Rules

  1. I must want you badly enough to be willing to put up with your shit and/or the shit I'm going to have to engage in to get in your pants. Positive and negative characteristics all get lumped willy-nilly into a bigass kettle, stirred vigorously, and evaluated. If the result is positive, it gets compared with the general shittiness of whatever's required to close the deal: indulging in Asshole Theory, chasing you like a game animal, ignoring your flakiness, etc. If THAT comparison comes up positive - welcome to the Booty Ladder.
  2. It's a lot easier to get moved from the Dating Ladder to the Booty Ladder than vice versa, but traffic can flow both ways.

... aaaaaaand that about covers it. Finally. Long-winded bastard, aren't I?
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Tupac Shakur - You Ain't Got To Lie To Kick It

(14 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture] From: hotcrab
Date: April 21st, 2003 - 10:20 pm
dude. no women are sane. its just not fair tro ask that.

[User Picture] From: starfyer
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 06:10 am
I say you can amend that statement to 99% of women are not sane. And then I'd wholeheartedly fucking agree. Yeeesh.

[User Picture] From: billyfleetwood
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 12:22 pm
rule #1 "girl-shaped" !!! I love that. I've been trying to find a short-winded way of articulating that for years.

and yeah, good luck finding one you can apply the word "reasonably" to.

[User Picture] From: zeldappa
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 01:03 pm
After reviewing your lists, I've determined that my lists* are much, much longer and more detailed.

* or, more accurately, "list" as I seemingly don't yet have any sort of Booty category.

I also realized that I make good use of the "flaky" option to ward off potential suitors.

All of the above is why I try not to whine too much about being alone. It's all my doing.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 01:19 pm
Of course, assuming they were ever "suitors" to begin with, all being flaky really does is move you off the dating ladder to the booty ladder. Which is probably not really the intended effect.

... and it's probably worth noting that a lot of girls, particularly man-shy types, tend to think they're being pursued sexually more often than they really are. =)

[User Picture] From: zeldappa
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 03:45 pm
a) Yeah, but those guys who switch lanes to the booty route tire easily, so my "flaky" scam works.

b) Yeah, but only 'cause those man-shy girls have probably had every single guy who's ever claimed to just want to be good friends suddenly change their mind and get all freaky on 'em, thus eventually ending the friendship on a sour note. : /

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 08:02 pm
Rowr! Hiss, spit! :)

... But FWIW, relying on a "flaky act" to discourage guys you think might be suitors instead of telling them the dillyo straight up is pretty much dead equivalent with guys telling you "I just want to be friends" when that's really just a foot they're trying to get in the door.

Of course, it all just gets more complicated when you factor in that some people LIKE to be friends first and maybe think about the booty later... but I don't think that's the real issue on that side of it; I think the real issue on that side IS guys who, basically, just want to find a girl, any girl, who they can be friends with, to hit on. Shit, I've BEEN one of those guys. But eventually you realize how fucked up that whole gig really is.

Personally, I'm thinking that's what the Booty Ladder is for - to let you keep yourself from getting so damned desperate for human contact that you get yourself into colossally stupid relationships with colossally inappropriate people. Even if they are friends.

[User Picture] From: zeldappa
Date: April 23rd, 2003 - 10:28 am
Is not! Is not "dead equivalent" to the just friends facade! Flaky just doesn't spring up out of nowhere. Flaky tells the truth from the start without the necessary stupid and assuming conversation.

BTW, one of the "just friends" guys went on to basically stalk me and write up a bunch of lovey-dovey poetry that he let one of my girlfriends read so that I'd certainly find out about it. He even gave me one of the less lovey-dovey but more physically descriptive poems. ack! 'Was not pleasant!!

And I didn't mean to say any of this with a catty attitude; didja notice the : / in the earlier comment?

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 23rd, 2003 - 11:30 am

Is not! Is not "dead equivalent" to the just friends facade! Flaky just doesn't spring up out of nowhere. Flaky tells the truth from the start without the necessary stupid and assuming conversation.
Sorry, still calling "shenanigans" on this one - it's a definite moral equivalent. Guys who say they "just want to be friends" are pretending to be something they're not in order to get with girls they're afraid to / don't feel like they've earned the right to approach directly, and girls who do "the flaky scam" - your words, mind you, not mine - are pretending to be something THEY'RE not in order to get guys to quit hitting on them when they're afraid to / aren't sure it's appropriate to tell them so directly.

Either way, it's a situation of people pussyfooting around and pretending to be something they aren't because they can't summon up the courage to lay it on the line and deal with things the way they really are.

Unless, of course, you really are flaky. ;)

[User Picture] From: zeldappa
Date: April 23rd, 2003 - 11:58 am
*shuts up 'cause you're right but still thinks the intentions of the flaky scam are more noble then those behind the just friends facade*

[User Picture] From: sanguine37
Date: April 22nd, 2003 - 10:51 pm
You are a long-winded bastard, but this we already knew and appreciated. Yup.

So, rules, eh? I prefer to think of them as guidelines. Less restrictive. And I have less of an urge to rebel against them.

How about the Flirting Friend Ladder? Where does that one fit in?

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: April 23rd, 2003 - 11:41 am
That's not really a ladder. If there's MUCH flirting, you can be pretty sure that you're on either the Booty ladder or the Dating ladder, but there's really no way of knowing which, 'cause, well, you're Just Friends. Who flirt.

"It's all fun and games until somebody puts an eye out!"

[User Picture] From: sanguine37
Date: April 23rd, 2003 - 11:48 am
I want my own ladder. The Pia Ladder. Where I will whine to you about how I haven't gotten laid in two days and you will want to flick my now-healing ear in retribution. And those are our only guidelines/rules.

And I'm definitely on the Booty Ladder. Cause, I gots a booty! I shall now dance to show you all my luscious boo-tee.

[User Picture] From: lauracroft
Date: April 23rd, 2003 - 05:45 pm


You know I really thought I was measuring up until I read the part about not trying to convince you that you're evil. rats! ;^)

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