Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard
jimbojones

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don't read this

Depression [n]: staring mutely at a shower stall and dreading the expenditure of personal energy to turn the water on and get in.

I don't know how the hell I let my life get this way.  I remember actually wanting to do things.  I don't want to do anything now.  Everything is an intrusion.  I spent so long trying to hold a relationship together that I used to get so much out of, but for so long now has been nothing but pain that I constantly felt that I had to exert all my energy to face.  Now I just feel like anything that requires me to expend my energy is a danger, that I have so little left I have to hoard it, I can't afford to spend it, I have to focus everything on conserving it as much as I can.  I remember enjoying my work, finding it challenging, getting personal satisfaction out of vanquishing whatever it threw my way.  I remember enjoying going out and doing things with friends, liking to put myself into my social interactions.  Now I just don't want to cope with it, I don't want to deal with the unknown, I don't want to ... shit, did I say "cope" already?

I don't actually want to go to movies, but I suggest them because I hope I can just sit there and not have to think.  I don't want to go out to bars; I don't want to meet people.  I'm kind of sick of people.  I want to go home and see my mom and pet kitties and withdraw from the world, and actually I am doing that, I set up tickets for that a week or two before I went to Boston, but you know how airlines work - that still means I've got like three weeks left to go.  And I hate that.  I hate having to set everything up a month or more in advance, and I hate having to count the cost of going to see people I care about.  And honestly I don't want to "go" and "do" anything there in Mississippi, either, it's just the closest thing I know of right now to ... shit, did I say "withdraw" already?

I'm really fucking angry.  I'm angry at her, and I'm angry at myself.  I'm angry because I'm guilty of some of the same things I kept trying to point out to her.  She kept telling me she was intrinsically dishonest, and I was so full of what I did know about her, and what I knew that we could work through together if I just had enough patience, that I didn't pay attention to what she kept sadly saying about herself, and that simple patience wouldn't fix.  I really did understand an awful lot about her, more than I think anybody else ever had, but I didn't understand everything, and in the end, I didn't want to either.  I wanted what I needed, and ultimately I refused to see that what I had wasn't that.

I want to be in a place in my life again where I want to do things.  I want to see challenges and think like a proud buccaneer itching to make his mark on them.  I want to see people and want to find out about them, to interact with them, to let them see who I am.  I want to enjoy things that require a personal investment.  I want to feel like I have energy to spare.

I don't know how to get there from here.  Yes, I know... "time".  I feel like I can't wait, all I've been doing is waiting, it just gets to be more of a burden the longer I wait without anything getting better.  "This, too, shall pass."  I know.  But if I don't let all this out somewhere, I'll fucking explode.

Thanks, internet.
Tags: defeat, girl-related, neuroses, rant
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