Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard

  • Mood:

sadness, relief, peace

It's hard to eject somebody you really care about from your life, even when you have to.  I really, really had to do that recently.  I'd been needing to for, well... god, eight months or so?  At least.  But I just couldn't do it, for the longest time.  I cared about her too much, I valued what we'd had too much, and I couldn't shake the picture of a happy future with her for long enough to really see, not just with my head but my heart, the way things really were.  That moment finally came on Monday, though, and it's odd - as much as I dreaded doing it, and dreaded the empty feeling of finally admitting that was just Gone and Never Coming Back, it's mostly just felt like a huge weight removed from my neck since I did.

While there are a lot of things I'm not entirely pleased with in my life right now, it's really refreshing to think that any and all of them are things that I can fix, or that I can fuck up - that my life is under my own control again.  Even if and when I'm dissatisfied or unhappy with something I don't have, or something I wish was different (and there are quite a few of those things), I don't have to make it through every day with this sick, dull feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm just waiting for someone else to make me miserable again.  Waiting for the next lie, the next time to be cheated on, or the next round of push-me/pull-me to be pulled close and then pushed away again, and knowing there's nothing I can do but wait.

Stealth is good, in tightly defined roles, if you're playing RPG's, or paintball, or you're an actual commando.  But it's not a good way to live your life.  No matter how well you think you know somebody, if they list "stealth" and "self-sabotage" as interests, it's probably not a good idea to blow that off as "cute" or "self-deprecating" or "random."  It's a five-bell klaxon, and if you ignore it early on, you'll find it out the hard way eventually.

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