Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard

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like I said, I "tanked" by personal standards, not academic ones

Got my speech back today; 95/100 points.  Which is better than I expected, but like I said, it's not like I ever expected worse than a B - I was just really disappointed at being unable to generate any interest in my topic.  Generating interest in technical presentations among non-technical people IS a large part of what I do for a living, after all, when it comes right down to it. =)

Still, it's nice to see that at a high B on the exam / full points on the incidentals, Music Appreciation is definitely the lowest grade I've got going right now.  I damn near failed out of high school, so I'm really determined to do a good job of this college thing.  And I'm having less and less faith in the GI Bill even for *this* year, much less getting an extension for the two years after it (and it was *never* good for more than three years no matter what), so good grades are really really important if I don't want to be saddled with a huge college loan debt when I finish school - and believe you me, I don't.

It's funny though; my high school transcript has been sitting out on my counter in the "random paperwork I don't want to throw away but haven't figured out what to do with yet" stack ever since I finished applying back in the fall.  I just happened to pick it up and really look at it this week one night, and realize, holy shit... I didn't just "almost not graduate high school" because my headmistress was a bitch and threatened to fail me out if I didn't pass a particular (non-essential to the diploma program) class I was failing, and wait to threaten me with that until the week of final exams... I almost didn't graduate high school because, jesus, almost every single grade my senior year was a D or an F.

I had remembered high school as a miserable time for me.  I really thought that I'd remembered that in its entirety.  Oh, fucking boy, had I ever not really remembered that.  Yeah, a kid with no criminal problems, who showed up for class every day, who got a 1400 on the SAT before they "curved" it in the mid-nineties to skew the results 100 points higher, nearly failed every single class in high school.  God.  That goes a little beyond "miserable."

I've always been a little cocky about my background, because, you know... I did know just how fucked up it was, in a lot of ways, but I would always think to myself "and I sailed right through that, sure, it was rough water, but it's not like there was ever any doubt."  But god damn.  Almost failing out of high school?  With fifteen years or so of distance and perspective to look back at that time, now, I was riding a lot closer to the ragged edge than I ever let myself realize.

I guess it's no damn wonder why I've avoided contact with any of my family but my mom for so long; or why I finally wound up trying to use my early thirties to do the shit I was supposed to do in my twenties.  I just hope, y'know, that at some point eventually things will settle down and I'll feel comfortable matching the number in my heart and my head with the one on my birth certificate.  All this skipping-back-and-forth shit, chronologically speaking, is kinda rough.
Tags: neuroses, philosophical

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