May 19th, 2005

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03:17 am - Episode III: the Sith Steal $8.75 From Your Wallet, Ha Ha Ha
Remember how I said HHGTG:TM was bad?  Star Wars Episode III is worse.  Oh, dear god, so much worse.

The acting: Wooden.  Wooden like Pinocchio's nose.  Wooden like Ishmael's leg.  Not just from one or two actors, EVERYBODY is solid... fucking... wood.  Except for when they're half-rotted particle board.  Samuel fucking Jackson is dead flat, man.  How do you even do that?!

The plot: Forced.  Rushed.  More sparse than a "Connect the Dots" drawing without the lines drawn in yet.  "Oh... gee... I just killed a Jedi Master.  Oh well, I swear to be a Sith, I swear to be evil and stuff.  Yay, I'm on the Dark Side now."  SIGH.

The theme: I would say "undeveloped", but really, at this point it would be more accurate to say "... there was a theme?"

The fighting: God, dear god, WHY did they not keep hiring Ray Parks as choreographer even if they killed off his goddamn character in the first one?  This was baaaaaad - the fight choreography was actually better in the FIRST trilogy than it was in Episode III.  And that's... really, really saying something.  I dearly loved the first trilogy, but not because of virtuoso hand-to-hand fight choreography...

The CGI: for the love of Ghod, EVEN THE FUCKING CGI WAS BAD.  There is one scene where Obi-Wan is standing next to an incredibly annoying chirping dragon steed thing that he's been riding, and not only does it look so obviously blue-screened that you're wondering if you've time-warped back to the 80's, the lighting angle is different between the glare on Obi-Wan's forehead and the scales of the dragontweetywhatsitthing.  I GET BETTER PHOTOSHOP THAN THAT FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET!

Sigh. :(

Current Mood: deflated and disgusted
Current Music: whoooooosh of the AC unit

(16 comments | Leave a comment)


From: (Anonymous)
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 06:19 am

[User Picture] From: stpdlsr
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 07:12 am
Isn't that what concealable flasks are for?

From: dirtydog911
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 08:02 am

Star Wars Sucks Anyway. . .

The whole series. I guess I just don't "get it". What's the appeal?

And anyway, did anyone expect this last film to be better than the previous two?

Dirty Dog

[User Picture] From: freakout
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 08:42 am
I didn't see it yet, but thanks for convincing my subconcious it sucks! :P

[User Picture] From: herbaliser
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 09:23 am
you're the only person on my friends list who didn't like it.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 12:55 pm
I certainly wasn't the only one in my theater who disliked it. I'm a bit of an elitist when it comes to movies, but my buddy Nate - who tends to be considerably less critical as long as there's plenty of action - actually nodded off several times during the movie... and the crowd in general, which was boisterous and loudly applauding everything from the end of the "omg refreshments are kewl" animated short that signals the end of the previews to the Lucasfilm logo to the appearance of the Star Wars Scroller outlining the plot... totally and completely failed to applaud at the end of the movie, and filed out silent and subdued.

People dressed up as Darth fucking Vader left quietly.

But anyway, whatever. My own rankings would run 6/5, 4, 1, 2/3. I have trouble picking a favorite between Empire and Return, and I have trouble picking a least favorite between Clones and Revenge. If the lightsaber dueling were only halfway decent in Revenge, it would easily win out over Clones; sadly however that is far far far from the case. The difference between the saber duelling in Episode I (the height of the series for fight scenes) and the saber duelling in Episode III is like the difference between hot impassioned sex with a kinky gorgeous girlfriend and jerking off tiredly to an old faded Hustler in a fertility clinic bathroom so you can provide a semen sample.

From: (Anonymous)
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 07:42 pm

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: May 19th, 2005 - 10:12 pm
THANK YOU. I am becoming annoyed with the legions of fanboyim that are trying so desperately to convince themselves, someway, somehow, that that festering pile of ass movie was actually not only "good" but "better" than others in the series. Presumably 'cause it's the last one so it just HAS to be omg teh kewlies? I dunno. But man, man it was BAD.

Which makes Baby Jimbo cry.

From: lamfear
Date: May 20th, 2005 - 07:57 am
Yeah it stank like bantha poodoo. About halfway into the movie I was thinking "PLEAASE stop talking now please please".

I'll buy the DVD of course :)

[User Picture] From: scarlett723
Date: May 20th, 2005 - 07:48 pm
The dialogue was absolutely horrible, everyone in my theatre was laughing during the supposed v serious spots. Also, the emperor is the only one that was remotely good. My favorite part is Samuel L brings like 6 jedi with him to kill the emperor and the emperor toasts all of them in like 2 seconds. What lame jedi.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: May 20th, 2005 - 09:34 pm
"Anni, I love you more 'cause you're shmoopie!" "No Padme, I love you more 'cause you're shmoopie!" Yeah, ugh, wtf?

Re the jedi in Palpatine's chamber: OMG I'M SAYIN'. The worst was that the first one Palpatine killed DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO PARRY THE THRUST. And it wasn't even a surprise! He whipped out the saber SITTING AT HIS DESK ACROSS THE ROOM, DELIVERED A LINE OF DIALOGUE, THEN RAN ACROSS THE ROOM! And this "Jedi Master" just stood there with his own saber out and ignited and let Palpatine stab him! God I wanted to cry it was so awful.

All of the Jedi that got exterminated during the, well, Jedi extermination went down like total pussies too. Like ten guys with blasters took down the one dude with the big head, and a lot of them didn't even fight at ALL. It was horrid. If all it takes is ten grunts with blasters to take down a Jedi, then why do you even need to BOTHER taking down the Jedi, right?


From: lamfear
Date: May 21st, 2005 - 05:13 am
Ok to get really geeky:

There were sooo many moments in saber duals in that movie that didn't make sense. With a lightsaber all you need to do is [i]touch[/i] someone and they're dead. A jedi with a saber raised high above his head.. one flick of the wrist and he's gone. There were also a lot of moments when force push would have been convenient. But maybe he was out of mana :)

[User Picture] From: pennyem
Date: May 30th, 2005 - 09:43 am
During the Kenobi's fight with Grievous, I had that thought too: If the guy can make a half-ton doolybob fall from the ceiling to crush some bad guys using the force, why couldn't he pull the lightsaber from the guy's hand, or better yet, his robotic head off his shoulders?

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: May 30th, 2005 - 11:08 am
My guess for that one is that Force users basically have a sort of bodily envelope that doesn't permit fine Force manipulation within that envelope - so for instance you could force push a jedi himself, but you couldn't (for an even better example than yours) force squish his heart within his ribcage, or do much in the way of trying to force pull a lightsaber out of his closed fist.

This would be pretty internally consistent with what we've seen in the movies - Vader force chokes NON force users, but not force users; ditto pulling items out of hands - he can pull a blaster out of Solo's hand but not a saber out of Luke's. This would also go a long way towards explaining why no non-Force user ever bothers trying to use a lightsaber for anything more serious than cutting open a taun-taun; not only are you limited by having to close to melee range to use the weapon effectively (and not having the Jedi reflexes or Force awareness to be able to effectively parry blaster bolts on the way in), but any true Jedi will just pull the sucker right out of your hand.

Or worse yet, a Sith lord would make you slice yourself open with it. Heh.

[User Picture] From: scarlett723
Date: May 21st, 2005 - 06:34 am
I think my favorite line has to be "But Anikin, Chancellor Palpatine is Evil."

Yeah, I thought taking down the Jedi was a little unrealistic but sort of wrote that one off to willing suspension of disbelief, but yeah, that was a major stretch.

Though I did think James Earl Jones did a good job sounding like Anikin when he's first in the suit.

Oh and was it just me or did Natalie Portman (who we know can act) totally suck in this movie? Actually, Padme's character has totally sucked in the last 2 movies. She was actually decent and independent in the first movie, but has totally subjugated herself to Ani? Lame. Maybe it's just because Ani was so lame.

All in all it made me have respect for Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher as actors, because clearly, Lucas can't direct and that explains why Mark Hamil came off so whiny in the original movies and why Samuel L and Natalie Portman come off horrible in this movie.

[User Picture] From: blue_canary
Date: May 23rd, 2005 - 10:18 am
I liked it, but:

There was one *really* awkward Yoda line -- something like, "To say anything about it, not if have I."

Regarding the big to do about Padme being physically healthy but losing the will to live...doesn't that make her last words ("There is still hope") a little hypocritical? Like, "There's still hope, but I just don't really feel like dealing with this shit anymore, bye." Very un-Amidala of her.

[User Picture] From: jimbojones
Date: May 23rd, 2005 - 12:18 pm
...doesn't that make her last words ("There is still hope") a little hypocritical? Like, "There's still hope, but I just don't really feel like dealing with this shit anymore, bye."
And at this point, that's pretty much the keynote for the Star Wars franchise, itself.

[User Picture] From: discogravy
Date: May 29th, 2005 - 01:03 pm
nitpick: it was captain ahab's leg that was wooden, not ishmael.

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