Zen Bastard (jimbojones) wrote,
Zen Bastard

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Episode III: the Sith Steal $8.75 From Your Wallet, Ha Ha Ha

Remember how I said HHGTG:TM was bad?  Star Wars Episode III is worse.  Oh, dear god, so much worse.

The acting: Wooden.  Wooden like Pinocchio's nose.  Wooden like Ishmael's leg.  Not just from one or two actors, EVERYBODY is solid... fucking... wood.  Except for when they're half-rotted particle board.  Samuel fucking Jackson is dead flat, man.  How do you even do that?!

The plot: Forced.  Rushed.  More sparse than a "Connect the Dots" drawing without the lines drawn in yet.  "Oh... gee... I just killed a Jedi Master.  Oh well, I swear to be a Sith, I swear to be evil and stuff.  Yay, I'm on the Dark Side now."  SIGH.

The theme: I would say "undeveloped", but really, at this point it would be more accurate to say "... there was a theme?"

The fighting: God, dear god, WHY did they not keep hiring Ray Parks as choreographer even if they killed off his goddamn character in the first one?  This was baaaaaad - the fight choreography was actually better in the FIRST trilogy than it was in Episode III.  And that's... really, really saying something.  I dearly loved the first trilogy, but not because of virtuoso hand-to-hand fight choreography...

The CGI: for the love of Ghod, EVEN THE FUCKING CGI WAS BAD.  There is one scene where Obi-Wan is standing next to an incredibly annoying chirping dragon steed thing that he's been riding, and not only does it look so obviously blue-screened that you're wondering if you've time-warped back to the 80's, the lighting angle is different between the glare on Obi-Wan's forehead and the scales of the dragontweetywhatsitthing.  I GET BETTER PHOTOSHOP THAN THAT FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET!

Sigh. :(

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