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I'm not quite dead yet

I keep meaning to post baby pics, and actually interact with you people, and all that shit. But, you know... been kinda busy with the whole "real life" thing so that keeps not happening. Hell, I keep not reading, much less posting.

In place of those baby pics that I still am not posting yet, here is a picture of a retard riding a scooter in the absolute stupidest way possible that I took with my iPhone this morning on the way to work:

Homeboy was riding that thing, like that, down the dotted yellow lines in between lanes of traffic through a busy intersection downtown at rush hour.

I am guessing that - one way or another - he won't be doing that for long.

Dub FX

I just discovered this guy tonight, and his stuff is fucking OWNING me. If you dig this, 1. look around on YouTube - there's a lot more - and 2. head over to and buy his album. $15, PayPal straight to the dude, and he mails you a CD. Postage (to anywhere in the world) included in the price.

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perfect coffee

baby pix

Jane's first picture - approximately T plus 120 seconds. They came and got me from the room after she was delivered (by C-section - Janis was down entirely, under general anesthetic). The nurse put Jane in my arms, and I walked her down to the nursery. I took that picture just after putting her in the little infant warmer and petting her for a little while.

This one's at roughly T+180 - still in the infant warmer, but she's been stripped from the swaddling blankets and the cap just prior to getting put on the scale and weighed.

Can't tell what color her eyes will be yet; they're that kind of contact-lens-y looking blue that means "they ain't staying this color." We have a feeling she'll end up with Janis' green eyes, though.

Awesome baby is awesome. I am making a CONCERTED effort not to speak to her in LOLcat - but it's tough! (Janis and I both abhor "baby talk", it would suck if we avoided that trap, but accidentally turned LOLcat into her primary language.)
perfect coffee

Calamity Jane is here

And after 28 hrs of fucking brutal labor followed up with a semi-emergency Cesarean section, she didn't waste any time earning her sobriquet!

She was born this morning and weighed 9 lbs 8.9 ozs, 20" long - which had a lot to do with the need for the C-section. That is one BIG, strong, healthy baby. Full head of hair, big wide eyes looking around at everything. She is great.

Janis had a really rough time of it obviously, but she is doing well and she and Jane will get to come home from the hospital after 3 days.

Pics forthcoming soon - the only ones I have now are on my iPhone, and I pretty much killed its charge dead.

I'm a daddy!

PS: you know how they never get newborns right on TV shows? I'll tell you something else they don't even get CLOSE to right - the umbilical cord. Holy crap those things look crazy!

omgz - I can haz baby nao?!

Not YET... but Janis' water broke at 4AM on the dot, and contractions are coming strong and regular... just in time to keep the Man from trying to force us to have the baby in the ER instead of at the birthing center. We're headed down to the birthing center in about half an hour.

I'll let you know more later, and get some pix up - but don't sweat if it takes a while, 'cause I may just decide I have better things to do than RUSH RUSH RUSH to my livejournal. =)

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Bought a couple of PS3 games yesterday at the GameCrazy near my work. Jesus fucking christ I am sick of the "add-on" business model - car dealers want to pitch you on an "undercoating", electronics stores want to push their "protection plan", game stores want you to buy a fucking hint book - shit gets OLD. Odds are good, if you are forcing your salespeople to push it hard during every point-of-sale transaction, I DON'T FUCKING WANT IT.

Anyway. It was worse at this GameCrazy than it usually is most places - this kid with the half-shaved, half-long-and-dyed head like an 80's punk rocker was pitching the hint book, the CD scratch protection plan, the pre-order for the next game, AND the mvp member blah blah blah club with EVERY. SINGLE. TRANSACTION.

So I got up there, made some chit-chat about the demo video of Bloody Roar they were playing (old, shitty fighting game - imagine if Tekken had been conceived by a bunch of furries, and you'd pretty much have Bloody Roar) while he's ringing me up (and asking for my phone number - christ I hate that. STOP DOING THAT, retail, it's fucking invasive!). And then he starts in on the four different pitches, and I'm like no, the ONLY thing I want are those two games, no add-ons. He starts in on the second pitch. No, no, no. The third pitch. Nope nope nope. And he actually gets PISSED OFF. He says "You aren't even going to let me finish? That's pretty rude man."

Now don't get me wrong - I understand that employees HAVE to ask you all this crap. I know about mystery shoppers, I know that managers watch store video, blah blah blah - which is why I am SMILING when I say no, no, no. For christ's sake dude, it's not like I am dehumanizing you, I started that pointless convo about Bloody Roar prior to all this right? It's not even like there is some awesomeness in your pitches that I maybe JUST NEED TO GIVE A CHANCE and suddenly HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY WANT THAT, because guess what, there was a line! I heard EVERY SINGLE ONE of those fucking pitches when you delivered them to the LAST guy!

Anyway, I'm not going back to that place again. GameStop is shitty too, but at least they hold it down to only one or two pitches per transaction, and their clerks have been a lot more livable since they instituted the mandatory one-hot-chick-behind-the-counter-per-shift rule a year or two ago. For some reason, the presence of the hot chick calms down the uber-dorks who normally man the store - they don't fawn all over you and try to be your friend constantly when Hot Chick is in the store... even though they don't fall all over Hot Chick either. Weird.

one day, this will be you

Recently, I ended up servicing some older folks' home computers. I don't really "do" residential service anymore, so this was more than a bit out of my normal routine.

Hoo-boy. Everybody knows that old people tend to get kind of disconnected with reality. What we tend to forget is that old people also maintain their own version of reality... especially now that they have the internet helping them stay connected to as many of their peers as possible.

Let me tell you something, old people fucking LOVE powerpoint. My wife pointed out that "it's great that at least they use it", but then again, they use it like a New Guinea tribesman uses a rifle - hold it by the barrel and club the living shit out of anything that moves. Also like the tribesman, they think that shit is GREAT, it is the best club EVER, and they want to SHARE how fucking great it is with you. They are like, holy fuck did you see how I beat the shit out of that pig? You wonder why the fuck you put a scope on the rifle the last time you visited. (So does he.)

Another thing about old people is that they have friends with names like "Blobby" or "Gan-gan" or "Wee-waw". At some point, it has ceased to seem odd to them that a person might choose to replace their own fucking name with an unflattering adjective, or a random collection of syllables. They might not do that themselves, but it no longer seems WEIRD to them that they know people who do. At some point, in their view, it has become perfectly reasonable to insist that the entire world mimic an infant when addressing you, because that shit is FUCKING ADORABLE.

So here you are, installing a powerpoint viewer so that the emails that "Lumpy" or whoever sent are again openable. You open one, to make sure that everything works properly, and you are treated to utterly unremarkable stock photos of puppies and kittens, lifted from magazines or maybe an ad agency catalog. Every slide has "DO NOT CLICK!!!!!" stamped on it in several random locations, with the occasional "NE CLICQUEZ PAS ICI!!! :) :) :)" to break up the monotony and display how fucking erudite the author is. A MIDI file plays in the background. It is Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, and it is rendered using the default sample banks on the motherboard's built-in audio chipset. It makes you yearn to go back in time and kill Mozart. The possibility of causality loops and/or rifts in the space-time continuum seems, frankly, worth it.

You close the powerpoint quickly, and let the old person know "it works now." Nice try, but no dice - you must now watch at least five of these in the presence of the old person, because they don't get the logic of "these are powerpoints, powerpoint viewer has been installed, these will now work." What if one of them doesn't?

The next one is an illustration of a space shuttle, apparently lifted from a 1980s science textbook or Popular Science article. It is the only slide, and it is not animated. A low-fi copy of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" plays in the background. While you are reluctantly watching this, there will be a brief conversation about how "Glompy" or whoever "just sends the funniest emails, all day long!" Old-people eyes will likely be shining while you are told this.


OK, OK, you get the point: "old people, lol". But you have to realize, at the pace that technology moves, one day that is going to be you. Now imagine what that "old people lol" scene is going to look like for you. What are you into right now? What seems a little odd and new right now? What is, perhaps, just a little bit beyond you right at this moment, but you think you've about got the hang of it? No seriously, imagine it:

"Boy, why aren't you following my Twitter? Don't you want to know what your old Granddad is up to?"
"Granddad, nobody uses Twitter anym -"
"And why haven't you friended me to your Myspace? Is there something you don't want your old Granddad to see?"
"Myspace? You think I use Myspace? Seriously, Granddad, nobody's on that!"
"You don't give me any of your lip, young man! Now friend me so I can see what you've been writing. And have you been to They have the best graphics!"

"Help me out with this, son. Your old Dad's a mite pissed at this website; I'm firing up the old Low Orbit Ion Cannon."
"Oh god, Dad, not again... For the millionth time, that doesn't WORK anymore. We don't even use TCP/IP anymore! All that old 'internet' stuff is just emulated on the Cloud!"
"Yeah yeah yeah, you just help your old man and keep your 'Cloud' crap to yourself. Now why won't it work? Do I need to install the Visual Basic file again?"
"Oh, Dad... jeez. I give up."

"Honeybunch, help me out will you? I need to get this running and it says I'm out of space. I don't know what that means, I've deleted everything off my hard drive and..."
"Um, it's talking about your cloud space Granddad. You have plenty of local storage, but the app needs more room in your... oh good lord, what's with all these freaking cats?"
"Those are LOLcats honey! Oh, I have some funny ones, let me show you..."
"Um... yeah, I know they're LOLcats Granddad. I just... ugh. You just... listen, just don't save them to your cloudspace, save them to... oh, nevermind. Here, let me move those for you, ok... ok... all right, you can install your app now."
"Look at this one! It's an anteater! 'Fuck you, I'm an anteater!' Ha ha ha ha. Sorry honey, the old man's sense of humor is a little vulgar sometimes."

"Heh heh heh, did you get that video I linked to on your Facebook boy?"
"Faceboo... oh, you mean that old 'website' thing you made me sign up for? You know I don't really use that stuff Gran... oh JEEZ Granddad, 2girls1cup AGAIN? Seriously?"
"Heh heh... no, keep watching boy! It's not what you think. They're gonna do something else in a minute!"
"Granddad, I KNOW. EVERYBODY knows. Just... look, just stop with this stuff, okay?"

Maybe you won't be that kind of old person. (Yes, you will.) But even if you aren't (and really, you will be), they will be your peers. You will relate to them. You will understand them, and you will appreciate what they think is funny, and it will seem completely fucking normal.

You don't have to believe me... all you have to do is wait.
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in case you were wondering

If you're the goofy-looking shithead with a giant white-boy 'fro who kept opening up your BRIGHT AS THE FUCKING SUN cell-phone and HOLDING IT OVER YOUR HEAD towards the end of the 8:00 showing of the Watchmen tonight, and you were too much of a pussy to look around when somebody soccer-kicked the living shit out of the back of your seat about the ninth time you did it...

That was me.

On the other hand, if you aren't that dipshit, and you haven't seen The Watchmen... for the love of fuck, go see it. I hadn't read the graphic novel, but I was familiar with its premise - it's a literary deconstruction of the superhero genre, beginning with the crappiest of pulp-era fifth-rate costumed "heroes" you'd never heard of before. And I knew that it had gotten a hell of a lot of acclaim. Well, judging by the movie... it fucking deserved it.

HIGHLY recommended.

helios - is it linux, or is it just bad stories?

So over at techsupport, I see a link to a blog post about a Linux advocate who supposedly got jumped by Microsoft fans in a gas station parking lot. First of all... wat? But, you know... weird stuff can occasionally happen. Who knows. But the story rings false about ten different ways. And I keep thinking... shit, I know I remember this blog. Helios, Helios...

Yeah, I remembered it all right. This is the same guy who, back in December, managed to get frontpage on slashdot for a story in which, supposedly, an elementary school teacher writes him to call linux "possibly illegal" and accuse him of "holding the children back" and nebulously threaten to sue him for putting it on "disadvantaged children's computers."

Unsurprisingly, the slashdotters congealed into a rabid mass, and demanded contact info on "Karen", the teacher. Helios guy refuses to provide it, and supposedly the slashdotters lit up Texas elementary school phone boards like christmas trees trying to find her anyway, and failing, at which point - again, according to this guy - she calls him tearfully, and he assures her he would never, EVER give up dox on her, and she Learns To See The Light and now thinks linux is teh awesome.

If this doesn't already ring kind of false in your ears, consider this: supposedly, slashdotters descended in a horde and failed to get dox. When is the last time one of the really big communities - slashdot, genmay, /b/, the goons - failed to uncover somebody, especially a non-tech, who aroused their ire?

So, yeah. That was in December. All of three months later, this dude is claiming that techs who service Windows assaulted him physically in a gas station because he is "putting them out of work". Of course there's no police report; of fucking course he tells it that the big, hulking guy got physical, threatened to "give him a tour of the parking lot" and... ::camera cut:: the big guy is on the ground! YAAAAY, our hero won teh fight!

Jesus fucking christ.

This is not the kind of publicity linux needs. I have no idea whether or not this guy has actually done much of any real work on a "distro" of his own, or how many "disadvantaged children" he's given computers with Linux on them; but I do know these stories stink to high heaven and I don't want to see any damn more of them.

Exhibit One: In Which Our Hero Schools The Schoolteacher

Exhibit Two: In Which Our Hero Triumphs At Fisticuffs

Side notes for those who don't know me personally: the only Microsoft product I own is an Xbox 360 - and that's gathering dust next to the PS3, which I greatly prefer. Every computer I own runs either Linux or FreeBSD. I service and sell all platforms professionally, but prefer when possible to use either Ubuntu Server or FreeBSD for server infrastructure. If that isn't enough to brand me "not-a-microsoft-fanboy", see - that's mine.